


The Bachelor: Tony Stark Edition

by MagicalGirlHell



Category: Black Panther (2018), Captain America (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Humor, I am terrible at tagging, M/M, dating show, the bachelor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 18:36:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14676984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalGirlHell/pseuds/MagicalGirlHell
Summary: Tony resorts to going on a dating show in search of a boyfriend. The contestants? A couple of best friends, a couple of WWII veterans, some royalty from Earth, some royalty from space, some asshole from space, and everybody's favorite Sorcerer Supreme.It goes about as expected.





	The Bachelor: Tony Stark Edition

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cptxrogers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cptxrogers/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Avengers: Infinity War aka The Bachelor: Tony Stark Edition (Tumblr gifset)](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/381531) by cptxrogers. 



> Tragically, I missed the last bit of the gifset, where Thor was added. I mean, he made it in here anyway, so there's that.

The scene opens to a Bachelor-esque dating show.

The screen reads _Tony S., 47, The Bachelor_. Tony says, "I'm excited to meet the contestants. I hope they can keep up with me."

 _Steven R., 28, Tony's ex; broke his heart._ "How did I leave things with Tony?" Steve says, wincing, "Not great. But I'm going to win him back."

 _Stephen S., 38, Rich doctor._ Strange shrugs, "I'm the clear choice. Are the others rich doctors? I don't think so."

 _T'Challa, 34, Literally royalty._ "A doctor. That's cute. I have several doctors in my palace." T'Challa smirks.

 _Peter Q., 32._ "Tony doesn't need any of these douchebags," says Peter Quill confidently, "I'm going to show him the stars." Beneath him, the screen reads _"Legendary outlaw"_ in an unnecessary amount of quotation marks.

 _Bucky, 33, Killed Tony's parents._ "I don't think my past will cause problems between us. I'm sure Tony and I could make it work." He looks somewhat less confident.

 _Bruce, 42, Definitely in the friendzone._ "I wouldn't say 'friendzone'," Bruce says, laughing awkwardly, "Tony and I are in a... comfortable zone of friendship. That's all."

 _Loki, old af, The creeper._ "In the end, he will kneel." Loki has red hair, a beard, and glasses, clearly in disguise.

 _Rhodey, 52, Tony's college sweetheart._ Rhodey looks exasperated. "Tony told me he was coming on this show. And I was like... honey, no. I'm right here. All the man you need."

 

**Episode 1:**

The contestants are introduced and Tony immediately dons the Iron Man armor and punches Bucky through a wall. Bucky and Steve are escorted off-set, Steve still insisting they can work it out.

Peter calls after them, “Who’s the _dude_ now?!” Strange has to sit him down and explain to him that Steve is not Thor.

 

**Episode 2:**

Tony and Loki are having drinks and flirting when Thor bursts through wall like the fucking Kool-Aid man and drags Loki off, yelling at him about fake deaths and terrible disguises.

“Call me,” Loki says, fingergunning at Tony.

Tony says, “Sure.” He looks at Bruce, who is holding his face in his hands. “I was punching out an assassin when they made the introductions. Who was that guy?” Bruce decides not to tell him.

 

**Episode 3:**

T’Challa's mother drags him off the set by his ear, telling him to stop this nonsense immediately and get back to ruling his country and insisting that if he’s going to marry a white boy, it had better be the one who is actual royalty.

”Mama,” says T’Challa, “Thor is an alien.”

“His Valkyrie punched a spaceship to death with her bare hands. I already set up a date for you.”

“With Thor or the Valkyrie?”

“Both.”

“Four down, three to go!” Peter taunts. He flips T’Challa off as he leaves, later sobs in an interview about how seeing them together made him miss his own mom. The camera pans over to show Rhodey, sitting next to him, side-eyeing the camera with a look that clearly says he thinks Quill is insane.

 

**Episode 4:**

“This is finally my chance,” Peter says, straightening his tie. He has a bouquet of roses in his hand. “I know Tony likes cool cars, but there is no cool car on Earth as cool as the Milano. He’s gonna love it.”

Tony is blown away by the Milano. It’s sleek, it’s beautiful, it’s got a tape deck and a great color scheme. It won’t start.

“I don’t know what’s happening,” Peter says, “This never happens. It was fine yesterday.”

Cut to Tony. He makes a yikes face. “Yeah, that was... that was disappointing. I think we’re probably going to have to say goodbye to Peter after this. It was really fun, I just don’t think I can date a man if I’m more attracted to his ride than him. Also space is terrifying and I never want to see it again.”

“Oh no,” says Rhodey, deadpan, staring straight at the camera. “The space ship wouldn’t work? That’s terrible. Terrible. I mean, it’s not like one of us could have done it. It’s not like any of us have a degree in rocket science.” The interviewer makes an inaudible comment. “Oh, sorry,” says Rhodey,  putting the pair of pliers on the table next to him into a pocket, “Let me get that out of the shot for you. What was I saying there? Oh yeah. Terrible.”

“I have no idea how he found out,” says Bruce, shrugging. “No idea.” He toasts the camera with a wine glass and drinks.

 

**Episode 5:**

“Look,” says Stephen Strange, “I’ve clearly got this in the bag. None of these other idiots know how to treat a man like Tony.”

The camera pans out to show Rhodey and Bruce sitting right next to him. “Dude,” says Rhodey, “We’re sitting _right next to you_.”

Bruce pats him on the shoulder.

Cut to Tony, sitting alone at a candlelight dinner for two.

“Yeah, I mean, I’ve got to say I’m pretty disappointed Stephen didn’t show up,” he says. “I had high hopes for him. I mean, I’m not hurt or anything. Whatever.”

“Next time I see him, I’m gonna kick his ass,” says Rhodey. “Nobody does that to my best friend.”

 

**Episode 6:**

“I’ve known Rhodey for a really long time,” Tony says to the camera. “We’ve been friends, rivals even. Maybe we could be more. Maybe. Yeah.”

Tony and Rhodey are sitting in a comfortable living room, playing video games and having a great time. They look like they might be having A Moment. There is a sharp tap at the window.

“What was that?” Tony says. The camera points to the window. There is another tap as a stone hits the window. Rhodey objects as Tony and the camera move to the window and Tony opens it.

“Tony!” Steve yells from the yard below. “I’m so sorry, Tony, just talk to me! We can make this work!”

“We, uh,” says Bruce, over footage of Happy trying to tackle Steve and just kind of... riding on his back, “We don’t know how he got past security. It was a real mess. Put a real damper on Rhodey’s date.” He takes a delicate sip of champagne and smiles innocently.

 

**Episode 7:**

“Just me and Bruce left,” Tony says. “Somehow... somehow I think I always knew it was gonna be like this.” He nods.

“I still don’t know if what we have can really be called romantic,” Tony narrates, over footage of them chatting happily in the workshop. “His work’s been a little... I mean, maybe he’s just been distracted lately. But he’s... I dunno, more surprising, more flirty. It’s... exciting. Maybe he really does have--”

The camera swings wildly as the Hulk bursts through the door of the lab.

“Oh shit,” says the Bruce standing next to Tony.

“BROTHER,” roars Thor, rushing in behind the Hulk. Loki drops the illusion and flees. Strange, looking disheveled, his arms tied behind his back, staggers in behind Thor, screaming incomprehensibly behind the duct tape over his mouth. All three pursue Loki off-screen.

“So it turns out that guy was Loki,” says Tony to the interviewer. He takes a deep breath. “I think we’re done here.”

**Author's Note:**

> And then they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
